I don’t know why people care whether a house is haunted or not. It’s like, just help that poor soul cross over into the void or whatever it is they want, and move on. I’m sure they couldn’t care less about rattling your cutlery drawer in the night or stealing your socks, or whatever else …
Cars: is there anything they can’t do? I mean, obviously, they can get you places faster than anyone could have imagined just a couple of centuries ago. But they can also fulfil a few other magical functions. For example, they can serve as a supplementary handbag, expanding you carrying capacity by approximately 500% compared to …
People think it’s easy being me. God only knows where they get that idea from. I can hardly think of a more stressful, time-pressured job than mine. Since when is circumnavigating the globe by sled in a single night, stopping off at billions of houses along the way, an easy job? If you think that, …
People have some funny ideas these days about what a holiday entails. It used to be about having a break from the daily grind… didn’t it? Hey, maybe I’ve had it wrong all these years. Who’s to say? All I know is that going overseas to get dental work, plastic surgery or a large tattoo …
Do you know what area of teen movies needs to be explored? Girls feeling like they’re unattractive. Someone needs to, like…make a movie about a girl who’s unpopular. Maybe she has a quirky friend of uncertain ethnicity, and they sit at a table by themselves during lunchtimes because they’re unpopular. Maybe there’s also a male …
How do you make an office space pop these days? Sometimes it seems like we’ve seen it all, and there’s really nothing more we can do short of having a live rhino on the loose or something. That’s not a bad idea, actually. It’d keep people on their toes. That’s the thing – in the …
You know, I’m thinking of going to the Golfing Expo. It seemed a bit strange to me at first, an all-female expo just for golf, but I’ve been looking into it. Women’s golf really is taking off, you know! And my grandfather was a champion golfer, so I feel like it’s in my blood. I …
I’m pretty sure a butterfly burned down my school once, but no one believed me. That may have been part of the reason I was moved to another school: no one suspects the butterfly. Also, the school burned down and they needed a place to send us. That was where I got some really great …
I’ve got a very important question. How come, in motion blur photos of city roads at night, there’s always this big swathe of pink light? Sometimes it’s a red streak, but more often than not, there’s a whole lot of pink. I’ve got nothing against this – in fact, pink is my all-time favourite colour …
Everyone’s all about de-cluttering lately. Even my 90 year-old grandmother is getting amongst it, letting me know in no uncertain terms that the decorative glass owl I gave her for her birthday does not ‘spark joy’. Cheers for that, gran. It’s not my fault the only thing she wants these days is chocolate-coated crystallised ginger, …