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What exactly does the Paintbrush of Destiny do? That’s a good question, one which I am still trying to find the answer to myself, actually. In the two weeks since I discovered the magical paintbrush, I haven’t been able to work it out. It’s a shame my grandfather didn’t write some instructions for the thing. …

Magic Paintbrush Confusion Read More »

I’ve just arrived home from the court case that my tenant instigated. My statement and the work of my lawyer went down without a hitch and you guessed it, we won the case. I will be retaining the bond and my ex-tenant now also has to pay additional money for all the damages she caused …

The Aircon Prevails Read More »

Did you know that teeth preserve extremely well, even after someone has passed away? That’s why I have to get regular dentist appointments, even though I haven’t had flesh in about five hundred years. Thankfully, the bristle toothbrush had just been invented back when I was alive, so I’ve been brushing my teeth for my …

Skeleton Teeth Read More »

I’m obsessed with my dog. It’s safe to say that I love her more than the average person loves their dog, and it’s because she is without a doubt, the best thing in my life. The way she greets me at the door every evening after work, it brings a tear to my eye. She …

Calming Dog Video Read More »

I find it difficult to try new things, which is why I’ve never driven a car. There’s just a lot of new experiences that come with driving a car, such as the first time you drive, your first car park, the first time you get in an accident. Let alone all the times I would …

Unfamiliar Car Mechanic Read More »

I am the proud new owner of a 1950s BMW. It’s been in my family for three generations now. It was owned by my grandfather, then my father and now it’s mine, his first born daughter. My dad has an older sister who was bypassed as an option to be the BMW owner because my …

European Car Owner Read More »

My little brother is such a dork. He’s always plotting some scheme, which sort of sounds cool but really isn’t. It’s never anything good, or interesting, or even halfway feasible – just some half baked idea that he’s become obsessed with for reasons that nobody quite understands. Dad says he just has a creative streak, …

Oh, Brother Read More »

Dear Nitrous Dioxide, I am writing to express my interest in the position of steel supplier for your latest project: the giant intergalactic parking lot that you plan to turn Earth into. You may be somewhat confused about the form of this cover letter, given it is not being sent directly to you, but instead …

Metal Cover Letter Read More »

“What’s your real name?” Frankie asked me as we approached the hardware store, pulling our bikes into the parking lot. “I’m sorry?” I said. “My real name?” “Yeah. The name you were born with. Obviously it’s not Bandit, but that’s what Space Wizard calls you.” “I’ve always been Bandit,” I said. “It may not be …

Bandit’s Real Name Read More »

Living as a perfectionist isn’t easy. I work so hard to keep my work perfect, my body perfect, my house perfect. Sometimes, though, it’s out of your control. Take, for instance, this morning. I woke up, went through my regular routine and found myself drinking coffee and having breakfast right across from my favourite wall. …

Living With Perfection Read More »