Enough Snakes

I have had ENOUGH of these snakes upon this plain.

When I bought three acres of land, I sort of imagined that it would be a wonderful opportunity to grow fruits, vegetables, maybe an alpaca or two. Oh, we wouldn’t be growing the alpacas…we’d buy them, and they would run free and wild, except not free because they’d be within our three acres.

But I procrastinated a little bit, and now it’s just snakes. The grass is long, the weather is warm, and upon this grassy plain, there are snakes. I have had enough of them. 

I’ve had to get special boots made after I kept almost getting bitten, which of course means I need custom orthotics. I literally cannot walk unless I have orthotics fitted in every single pair of shoes, or I’m wearing some special arch support insoles that act as thin sandals. No going barefoot for me, not for the rest of my life, unless I want to hobble like a babushka. Also, I’m getting the impression that the snakes are trying to wear me down. They keep striking at my custom boots, which leaves little gashes. Eventually they’re going to break through, and I’ll need new boots, and new orthotics, and my podiatrist will wonder what on earth I could be up to that means I need new custom orthotics in the space of a single month. 

“The snakes,” I will earnestly and sadly protest. “They are the ones that did this. Daily, they snap at my heels, forcing me to wear thick-soled shoes. It is the truth!”

Maybe they won’t believe me, but it doesn’t really matter. The only way I can stop the snake menace from costing me a fortune in orthotics and appointments with a Cheltenham foot specialist is by cutting the grass…but then, I will give rise to an even greater menace: hay fever. Just pollen, all over the place. I’ll be spending all my podiatrist money on hay fever tablets and sprays. Truly, nature is my great enemy!

Probably shouldn’t have purchased three whole acres of the stuff.